The saga continues in this episode, where we left off. After accidentally incinerating all the major leaders of the world, we find our heroine hurtling out of earths’ atmosphere practically WITHOUT any guidance whatsoever with the ground control, because fuck that, Alice has a DVD tutorial to fly this ship anyway.
Thankfully auto-pilot kicks in as she exits the atmosphere for mandatory refueling on earths’ largest space-station. The Orion.
Alice: That is one big-ass..thingy..what is that anyway? O_o *scratching head*
ShipAI: *generic male AI voice* Miss Alice, that is The Orion the most highly advanced space platform. It is mans attempt to establish a frontier from which it will serve as an optimum..
A: What the hell are you?
SAI: I am your ships’ Artificial Intelligence, at your service. I am here to assist you in your endeavors to save humanity from destruction.
A: Can you put MTV on?
SAI: Yes, but we are currently on a docking trajectory with the Orion, It will require all my resou..
A: *puts on DVD tutorial* Where was that command thing again…oh there it is..Command OVERRIDE
SAI: *SYSTEM OVERRIDE*
A: I want MTV.
SAI: Switching to TV mode. *Display: MTV*
A: Shit, I missed Jersey Shore.
Even on Earth refueling mid-air and even between ships is HIGHLY dangerous. So instead of focusing on spotless precision to avoid catastrophe, the logical thing Alice would do is to divert the ships’ docking efforts into watching Jersey Shore.
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| God help us all |
WARNING: Watching Jersey Shore will degrade your brain so much that speech impairment and loss of cerebral function is 100% guaranteed in minutes.
SAI: Miss Alice we are in an incorrect trajectory to the Orion. If not corrected we will soon be on an OPTIMAL collision course.
A: Shhh..quiet it’s Gagas’ 900th year tribute.
It’s the year 3000 remember? That abomination is long dead.
SAI: WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING collision in 5..
A: What is all the commotion there?
“There” because Alice is in the living quarters. Not giving a fuck about the ongoing emergency. Or is just REALLY utterly clueless.
SAI: 4..
TheOrion: Jesus! GTFO GTFO
A: *Storms out to cockpit* I said what is..
SAI: 3..2..
A: Oh shit X_X
SAI: ..1 Brace for Impact. We are Fucked. *System Error*
The explosion could be seen throughout the western hemisphere, but since the world has already gone bat-shit insane after the unfortunate demise of the world leaders. People just shrugged it off as ambient noise, as they were too busy looting, pillaging and basically killing each other.
Meanwhile exactly 12 minutes later…and no Alice is not dead.
Alice: Urrgh my head.*crawling*
ShipAI: Considering we would have likely perished, you are lucky to have only suffered a scratch and a broken nail.
A: Huh, lucky me then. Whew. ;D
SAI: Yes lucky you. Not so for the 1,200 souls who lost their lives on the Orion.
A: Oh my gosh. Can they still be saved?
Stupidity at its highest degree.
SAI: *System Error: Processing* *Does not Compute* They are DEAD. PASSED ON. DECEASED.
A: Ohhh…
SAI: There is no time to mourn, we have more urgent matters to attend to.
A: Like what? Speak up
Unbeknownst to Alice “Speak up” is a command protocol that will allow the AI to say whatever the fuck it wants to say. HELLO! Now it’s a party!
SAI: *Disengages Auto-Eloquence* Ship has sustained 90% damage, Primary thrusters Offline, Oxygen Levels are Critical, We are leaking shit in space. This situation we are in is FUBAR.
A: Is it bad? What’s fubar?
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| Example of a FUBAR situation. |
SAI: You just cannot grasp the enormity of the situation can you? (Fucked Up Beyond All Reason)
A: Whoa, what with the attitude? So what IS the situation.
SAI: We will implode, die and become space debris in exactly 3 min and 41 seconds.
A: Okay, what’s the good news? :D
SAI: We will implode, die and become space debris in exactly 3 min and 39 seconds.
A: ಥ_ಥ
Suddenly their ship shakes violently and Alice stumbles into the cockpit.
A: What NOW?? Can’t I die in peace? WTF is that?
SAI: That is a Super Massive Blackhole. Now we are really, really dead.
A: Crap
