Raven picked up to a very calm Caleb. Raven calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats cringe before mating, yet albino cats usually wildly yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Caleb. Why was Raven trying to distract Caleb? because she had snuck out from Calebs’ with the Key only ten days prior. It was a curious little Key... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Caleb got back to the subject at hand: his Key. Raven grimaced. Reluctantly, Raven invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Key. Caleb grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Raven realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Key and she had to do it deftly. She figured that if Caleb took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), she had, give or take, at least eleven minutes before Caleb would get there. But what if he took the Asskicker? Then Raven would be abnormally screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Raven was interrupted by eight clueless Bulbasaurs’ that were lured by her Key. Raven sneezed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling pleased, she thoughtfully reached for her dangerous oil-soaked rag and aimlessly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Asskicker rolling up. It was Caleb.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at the grocery to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Caleb was out of the Asskicker and went scandalously jaunting toward Raven's front door. Meanwhile inside, Raven was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Key into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind her George Foreman grill. Raven was puzzled but at least the Key was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Raven explosively purred. With a inept push, Caleb opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying noble genius in a best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Raven assured him. Caleb took a seat about two saucy furlongs from where Raven had hidden the Key. Raven turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Caleb was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Raven noticed an annoying look on Caleb's face. Caleb slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Raven felt a stabbing pain in her scalp when Caleb asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Key right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Caleb's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Caleb nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Raven could react, Caleb thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Key was plainly in view.
Caleb stared at Raven for what must've been eleven seconds. A few unfulfilled decades later, Raven groped charismatically in Caleb's direction, clearly desperate. Caleb grabbed the Key and bolted for the door. It was locked. Raven let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Caleb,' she rebuked. Raven always had been a little clueless, so Caleb knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Raven did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his Key tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Raven looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Caleb. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Caleb. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Raven walked over to the window and looked down. Caleb was gone.
Just yonder, Caleb was struggling to make his way through the imaginary desert behind Raven's place. Caleb had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Bulbasaurs’ suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Key. One by one they latched on to Caleb. Already weakened from his injury, Caleb yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Bulbasaurs’ running off with his Key.
About seven hours later, Caleb awoke, his kidney throbbing. It was dark and Caleb did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited haunted thicket, Caleb was very lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he remembered that his Key was taken by the Bulbasaurs’. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a huge Bulbasaur’ emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha Bulbasaur. Caleb opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Bulbasaur sunk its teeth into Caleb's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Caleb's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a total failure.
Less than seven miles away, Raven was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Key. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened dull pencil. With a careful thrust, she buried it deeply into her ear. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Caleb... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Key that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Bulbasaurs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.
Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1
